The adventures of Ms Talks-A-Lot and Slurpy McNoseblower

-
I have worked with many people over the years who I would quite happily throw out the window if my life was a cartoon, which unfortunately it is not.

Two of these people stick out, who I’m sure everyone can relate to. If you look around the office and you don’t know who this person is, it’s you.

First, we'll meet Ms Talks-A-Lot...

You know what she had for dinner last night, what she did for the weekend, what she’s doing next weekend, what she’s wearing to her friend’s wedding, where she went on holidays, where she’s going on holidays, what her other half does for a living, what days he plays football, what her kids are getting from Santa, what colour she’s painting the spare room, what carpet she’s getting for the hall, stairs and landing, what she had for breakfast, what diet she’s on this week, all about her health issues, what she thinks of Cheryl Cole, Colleen Rooney, Desperate Housewives and every other television programme known to woman.

She knows you work in the same building.
 
Then, there's Slurpy McNoseblower ...

Most people will believe that we evolved from the apes. I’m not so sure I believe that. I don’t think everyone has evolved.

In the 80s this guy he would have a moustache and get bits of his egg and beetroot sandwiches stuck in the bristles. Now it’s sushi, but the moustache remains. Movember is not just for November it seems.

He pours himself a glass of milk and settles down, spreading his food and newspaper over two tables, taking up space for four. He opens his chicken ramen, digs in his spoon and proceeds to slobber and slurp his way through. He picks up the salmon nigiri with his dirty, fingernail bitten fingers, sloshes on some soy sauce, dips into wasabi and gobbles it down. He finishes with a packet of Japanese rice crackers, eaten with gusto, mouth open so you can hear every crunch.

When he finishes, and you attempt to start eating the food you haven’t been able to touch during his feeding time, he stands up, gets a napkin, blows his nose clear of anything that ever lived there, sloshes a bit of cold water in his glass and leaves it on the draining board to drip out the remains of milk.

If only my life was a cartoon.

Comments

  1. HestiasheartNovember 15, 2010 at 9:48 PM

    Oh, I think I know Slurpy Mc Noseblower, I'm worried that I might just be Ms Talks-A-Lot!! I'd say it's between me and 1 other person, oops!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. shinyNovember 15, 2010 at 9:51 PM

    well these are loosely based on people I have worked with, so unless I've worked with you you're safe enough Hestiasheart..

    ..and by loosely I mean their names are not actually Ms Talks-A-Lot and Slurpy McNoseblower.

    ReplyDelete
  3. RadgeNovember 15, 2010 at 11:12 PM

    I'd bring in some chopsticks to teach him how to use them, but I'd be too tempted to stick them somewhere unsavoury.

    ReplyDelete
  4. shinyNovember 16, 2010 at 8:34 AM

    he'd be blowing chopsticks out his nose... at best

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

There’s nothing worse

-
I work with a guy, who no matter what you say is wrong with you (including, today, having ‘The Fields of Athenry’ stuck in your head) says ‘there’s nothing worse’. So leaving broken limbs and falling off heads aside, here’s a countdown of my current top ten of ‘there’s nothing worse’. 10. Having a song stuck in your head – This really depends on the song and what you associate with it. If it’s a four word loop of something by the Cheeky Girls, Whigfield or, to be more current, Jedward, then that’s seriously head wrecking. However, if it’s a song that reminds you of something or someone good or if it’s along the lines of ‘We Are the Champions’ then it’s fantastic! 9. Getting to the phone as it stops ringing – This is made worse when you then go to call the person straight back and you can’t get them because they’re leaving you a voicemail, are ringing someone else or have just dropped the phone and ran away, as some stand up comedian once said.  8. Banged knee – I...
Read more

Four years.

-
He's four years gone today and I still remember the call, and I'm still not right for it. My mother rang me Wednesday just gone, 19 minutes before I was due over for dinner.  She wanted me to bring gravy, she'd run out and we were having beef. Every time my parents ring unexpectedly, or pause before speaking, I expect bad news.  More will come, and it has, though none like that day, thank God. Gradually I stopped writing for fear someone else would go. As if this blog, had some sort of strange, dark power. I told the story, of that day, to a friend only last Sunday and she started to cry.  She'd never met my Granddad but when I told her that when my Granny heard the news she stood up and asked to be brought to him, at the bridge, where he lay, my friend cried for them. On the day of his funeral Granny said that things would never be the same, and they're not. For a man who said very little, his presence is missed. There's a ho...
Read more

Fally down socks

-
There’s nothing worse than fally down socks. Ok, so there are actually lots of things worse, but for the purposes of today’s discussion there isn’t. I don’t know what causes fally down socks, but they are such a pain and so random. You buy a packet of socks in a packet of three and the pair with the pink toes and heels falls down, but the plain pair and the blue toes and heels ones are fine. Sometimes it’s just one of the pair and it seems not to matter which foot it’s on, left or right, it’ll still slip down under your shoe and bunch up under your instep. I think they’re worse on rainy days too, somehow affected by the damp? Making them swell or soften or something, to make them extra fally. Also, they’re worse on rainy days because you can’t put your bag on the ground while pulling them up or you have an umbrella to manoeuvre as you do so and you end up poking yourself in the eye or someone else in the behind. You always mean to throw them out too, but you can’t bri...
Read more